The scientific version...
The Valley is buzzing with hockey talk (ok ok, a guy can dream) thanks to the Coyotes first
ever Pacific Division title. The Desert
Dogs turned heads with an undefeated month of February, and carried that
consistent play right through March, and
now have a chance to extend the season late in to April, and possibly May. The really hard part starts now, as we all
know, this franchise has NEVER been out of Round 1 of the chase for Lord Stanley’s
chalice. My job is to explain to you why
the Coyotes first round opponent this year, the Chicago Blackhawks, have a better chance of winning “Discover Card’s
Day with the Cup Sweepstakes” than they do this first round series. Away we go:
1. Ice. There is better ice in the desert. Before you ask me what I’m smoking, think
about it. Jobing.com is, as of now, a
hockey only arena. Even though it’s 2
degrees cooler than hell in the desert right now, the Coyotes can keep the AC
on 24 X 7, and let the Suns miss the playoffs at their downtown arena. The Hawks share the cavernous United
Center with the Bulls, and the WNBA, and every other homeless basketball league
that wants to play there. See, better
ice in the desert.
2. Tailgaiting. Fans
in Chicago can’t tailgate outside their swanky downtown arena, besides who
would want to, considering it will be butt-hugging cold with a 40 mph “breeze”
greeting you. There is certainly no need
for a cooler to keep their crappy beer cold.
3. Goons. With stand up guys like Ray Emery, Dan
Carcillo, and Jamal Mayers on the roster, the Hawks would have a better chance
winning a UFC title than a series in the playoffs.
4. Andrew Brunette. We all know blondes have more fun.
5. Brendan Morrison. He’s still alive? I thought he was killed in the
Vancouver riots last year?
6. Corey Crafword. Congratulations, you’re better than Marty
Turco…hang your hat on that.
7. Niklas Hjalmarsson. QWRTPLKJHGFDSZXCVBNM!!!!!
8. Sami Lepisto. WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP
9. Nicknames. The Hawks
have Patrick “Candy” Kane, and Jonathan “Twinkle” Toews(pronounced taves). How can guys like “Doaner” and “Smitty” lose
to those guys. Not possible.
10. Ice Girls. Last but certainly not least, the ice
crew. What self-respecting, semi-attractive college
age woman would choose CHICAGO, land of cold and wind. Phoenix on the other hand is a mecca for the
attractive college age woman. The “Paw
Patrol” has those troll dolls from Chicago beat, hands down.
So there you have it.
The top ten, rock solid, fool
proof reasons that the Phoenix Coyotes will crack the second round for the
first time ever in 2012, just months before the end of the world. Like the t-shirt says, at least we can all
die happy.
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